The Not So Fertile Road (#5)

Oh Guilt how I hate you so! One of the other emotions that plagues me often is guilt, especially when it comes to infertility. I feel guilty that God gave my sweet husband a flawed and infertile wife. I felt guilty that even though I had one child my heart ached for another one. I felt guilty that I had friends who didn’t even have husbands so who was I to complain about infertility? I felt guilty that I have friends who have never been able to have a child. I felt guilty that I couldn’t believe God’s Truth that He made me wonderfully and fearfully, He did have my best interest in mind, and He cares for me. Oh the list goes on and on.

Not everyday was an ugly, hopeless day for sure. But they did happen. That’s the reality of the fallen and broken world we live in. But God has used this journey for me to remind me of His tender mercies. To see hurting people in new ways. He’s brought people into my life that struggle with the same issues that I get to minister to because I too have walked this road.

Maybe you have never walked this road but at some point you will meet someone who is. I hope that by me sharing it gives just a little insight into how they may feel and how you can love them in the process.

I’m thankful that God allowed this so that we would run into the road of adoption sooner rather than later. We have a beautiful miracle son as a result of a path of pain. God can bring beauty out of all things.

And I know many are thinking and have said ( I even thought it) “Now you’ll get pregnant.” But no that didn’t happen and statistically that only happens to 3% of people who adopt. In fact it’s no longer a possibility for me which in turn has lead to more mourning and grief on some level. But who knows what’s ahead for our family. Jenna insists that we are meant to have 3 children. She tells me all the time she needs a sister too. I have my doubts I could handle that and other days I still think I can’t live without my African baby. I can still see the faces of the orphans I held while in Zambia and that was 10 years ago. Who knows what road lies ahead……….

What I do know is that I am called to be a servant of the King first and foremost. The journey that we walk is really all about God anyway, not me. Being a wife, mom, friend, daughter, etc. doesn’t make me more important or fulfilled although those are incredible blessings. God is the only one who fills every hole in our lives and brings complete satisfaction. God is good and has created us all for a purpose and with His skillful Hand. I am fearfully and wonderfully made whether I feel like it or not. My infertility has not defined me but it has shaped me. What has God used in your life to shape you?

5 thoughts on “The Not So Fertile Road (#5)”

  1. I love you guys, and Matt’s comment made me giggle.

    Shaping me = widowhood during pregnancy. That was kind of a gimme, though. And I think a lot of the things you’ve walked, I’ve seen from my angle on my path of pain. We share things, we experience others wholly differently, and through it all, I appreciate those who have been touched by deep grief so much more. Their joy means more. Their friendship takes on a beautiful richness and timbre.

    Grief is awful. I wish it on no one. But what a purification process it’s started us on.

    • Addie, I have significant moments during my struggle with infertility that you were there and where you encouraged me. I love you and am thankful for your strength. I know you have had more than your share of hard times and you love others through their pain well because of it.


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