It’s that time of year when you might start sensing that something feels a little off in your body, heart, or mind.
Maybe you can’t quite put your finger on it.
You’re feeling more anxious. You’re extra tired. You have some new aches and pains, more headaches, disrupted sleep, or you’re just feeling a little down.
And then you walk through Costco and see Christmas decorations (even in September, for crying out loud!) and suddenly you’re reminded that the holidays are coming.
And maybe, just maybe, some of what you’re feeling is your body responding to something your mind hasn’t fully acknowledged yet: the grief you’re carrying into the upcoming season. If this isn’t happening to you, maybe it’s happening to someone you love.
The holiday season is quickly approaching, and it can be especially hard to navigate for all kinds of reasons.
Maybe you’re:
- Missing home or dreading going home.
- Grieving someone you love who won’t be around this year.
- Sad about an empty seat at the table (maybe it’s been empty for years and it still deeply aches).
- Bracing yourself for the added drama that someone brings to the holiday gathering.
- Wondering if a loved one who struggles with addiction will show up—or what it will be like if they do.
- Feeling extra strain in the budget and knowing you can’t celebrate the way you wish you could.
Whatever it may be for you or someone you love, it can help to think ahead and make a plan. Not necessarily a plan for the worst, or a way to avoid your feelings, but a plan for what you might need to find those little glimmers of joy in the season, even in the midst of grief.
What if you made the holidays look different?
I read Renegade Grief last month, and there was one particular chapter that really stuck with me. The author talked about recreating, remaking, and remixing traditions in the midst of grief. After her father died, she and her brother realized that they didn’t actually want to continue celebrating Christmas the same way they always had. So instead, they went to Universal Studios. She said it was exactly what they needed—and she knew her dad would have loved the joy they experienced that day.
It reminded me of something that happened in our family.
About ten years ago, something really hard happened at Christmas, and it broke something in me. It became the catalyst for my little family of four to redefine what we wanted the holidays to look like. We wanted to create a new tradition for our family. And while that was exactly what we needed, it was also hard knowing that some people would be disappointed that we weren’t doing things the way they’d always been done.
But we had to make a choice.
We had to first imagine something different.
We had to be honest about what we needed.
And we had to be willing to let other people feel their disappointment.
Their disappointment didn’t mean we were making the wrong choice.
That was an important lesson for me.
If the holidays need to look different this year….
If you’re in a season where you aren’t able to, or simply don’t want to move through the holidays the same way you always have, here are a few things I’d encourage you to consider:
Ask yourself what you want and need this year.
Not what everyone else expects. Not what you’ve always done. What do you need?
Give yourself permission to do things differently.
Create a new tradition. Skip an old one. Say yes to something that brings you joy. Give yourself permission to find a little lightness in the middle of a hard season.
Make a plan as best you can.
You don’t have to anticipate every possible scenario. Just think through the situations you already know may be difficult and decide ahead of time what might help. Remain flexible if the plan needs to change.
Communicate your plan to the people who need to know—Having support is really beneficial but also be okay if they’re disappointed or don’t understand.
You can love people deeply and still make choices that are healthy for you.
Give yourself—and others—grace.
Grief can make emotions bigger and expectations harder to manage. Try to keep your expectations realistic about how the season may feel and how other people may respond.
My heart is that you would head into these next few months with a little more intention and a little more compassion for yourself or someone in your life who might be grieving something.
Maybe this year you’ll find a new tradition.
Maybe you’ll discover a small glimmer of joy you weren’t expecting.
Maybe you’ll simply make it through a difficult holiday season with a little more support and a little less pressure to pretend everything is fine.
And if you know someone who is struggling as the holidays approach, I hope you’ll remember that their grief may not always look like sadness. Sometimes it looks like anxiety, irritability, exhaustion, withdrawal or overwhelm. Sometimes it looks like not wanting to celebrate at all.
There is room for all of it.
Maybe ask yourself……
What’s one thing you might give yourself permission to do differently this holiday season?
Wherever you find yourself in this season, I hope you experience some glimmers of joy along the way.
And if grief feels heavy right now, or you’re finding yourself carrying something you’re ready to work through, I’m here. You’re welcome to schedule a free consultation with me. We can talk about what you’re experiencing and see if Grief Recovery feels like the right fit for you.