(I haven’t forgotten about this series. I’m just unsure about what to share. So here’s my story, our story, in a shortened series of course. I pray that it gives some insight and God uses it somehow for someone. I also know that I don’t understand infertility to the same depths that some know it. I have two miracle children now. But I know the pain it causes to some extent.)
When Matt and I were engaged I told him I didn’t want to have kids. Everyone told me I would change my mind and I said “well, the topic isn’t even up for discussion until we’ve been married 5 years.” I figured that would at least keep the topic at bay.

When we started our marriage counseling that was one of the first things we discussed. I don’t think Bob & Carmen thought they would have to convince me that kids were God’s design and that they were indeed a blessing. But I had some barriers and lies that I believed about having children that had to be overcome. So I prayed that God would change my heart if He did indeed want us to have a family one day.

I think about 3 years after being married I actually began to want to have kids. WHAT?! That was pretty shocking to me really but God had changed my heart. So we began the process of “trying.” I always had a feeling it wouldn’t be an easy process for me and we quickly found out I was correct. This began a hard journey for us. I remember months of not wanting to get out of bed. I felt like pregnant women were everywhere and my heart ached. I was also beginning to deal with anger at God. HE had changed my heart and now He was holding out on me. I felt like He was punishing me for something. I also began to feel flawed. I obviously was made with imperfections not “wonderfully and fearfully made” as it says in the Psalms. Satan began to do a real work in my mind and heart as the months went by.

Then the medical journey began:

My first appointment to begin fertility treatment I actually found out that I was pregnant. I was shocked and rejoicing and yet overwhelmed with fear because I was already having signs of something being wrong. After a couple weeks the complications were much worse and we found out that I had an ectopic pregnancy and had to have surgery to remove it. This began about 2 of the darkest months for me. A life given and taken away. A God who seemed to have given the desires of our heart only to steal it away. And the fear that a family may never be a reality for us was taking over.

I feel compelled for many reasons to write a series on infertility. I’m not really sure where to start and when I think about it there are so many things that I could say. For some reason God has allowed us to walk a hard road with fertility and I’ve talked about the state of my uterus with more people that I ever thought normal or possible. But, that’s how it is.

Fertility is a lonely, sometimes hopeless, hard place to be. I think the reason it’s so lonely is because people don’t talk about it and I’m sure there are lots of reasons why. I’m a firm believer that not talking about it doesn’t make it better. I suppose that’s why I’m talking about it here.

I know that my road with infertility isn’t like everyone’s. I may feel differently than someone else about it. Everyone’s story is personal but I think that God can still use it to open eyes to this journey.

So while I’m pondering what topics within my “not so fertile road” to talk about. I’ll ask this. Do you know someone struggling with infertility? What would you like me to share that you think might be helpful?