We will ALL experience loss in our lives which means we will all experience grief; It’s a universal experience. What isn’t a universal experience is being taught healthy ways to process and walk through that grief. If anything we are given bad advice or inadequate coping mechanisms. We are taught to suppress, ignore, or fake our way through it. I would say the majority of people are very uncomfortable with grief and have a hard time dealing with their own, let alone walking through it with others. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
As someone who has walked through a lot of losses I can attest to the fact that I have believed many of these things and have had many unhelpful things said to me during those seasons. Some of these myths sound comforting but ultimately prevent our healing. Through the Grief Recovery Method I learned that grieving hearts need truth, not clichés. If you’re in a faith community, a token Bible verse also doesn’t help. Just because something is intellectually true, doesn’t make it emotionally helpful.
Below are ten of the most common myths about grief that can keep people stuck, isolated, or emotionally exhausted.
Don’t feel bad — After a loss we will often hear things like “Don’t cry, there are other fish in the sea.” “At least you have another child.” “Don’t cry, they would want you to be happy.” But feeling sad is a normal and natural response to loss. If we don’t allow ourselves to feel bad, it only grows or resurfaces in the future.
Replace the loss — Have you ever lost a pet and said, “Don’t worry we’ll get a new one.”? Maybe you had a break up and immediately people rush to find you a new partner. That may be something you can do in the future but it doesn’t replace that person, pet, job, object, etc. Replacing isn’t grieving.
Grieve alone — Many of us are taught to keep our deep emotional distress to ourselves. I remember crying in church one time with a friend and I cannot tell you how many strange looks we were getting. It communicated to me that I needed to go grieve somewhere privately where they couldn’t see it happening. It can be so tempting because it’s vulnerable to allow others to see us in our active pain or grief. I want people to think that I have it all together but we cannot grieve alone. Healing happens in community. Our grief needs safe spaces to be seen, acknowledged and held, not ignored or even fixed.
Time heals — Did you know it takes on average 5 YEARS for someone to seek help with their grief. That alone tells you that time does not heal. Imagine breaking your arm and you do nothing. It will not heal properly and the same is true for our hearts. Just waiting things out doesn’t work. It’s what we do with the time that matters. Time is not a healer. If you don’t deal with it, it will come back.
Be strong for others — Most of us want to be strong for those around us, especially if you are a parent or you’re supporting others who are experiencing the same grief. But real strength lies in being honest about your pain. There is room for all of us to grieve. One thing that helps me is knowing that my kids will mimic what I do in dealing with my grief and I want to model healthy behaviors and truths as much as I can. (A reason to go through the Grief Recovery Method is so that we can model healthy behaviors and help our own kids in the future with their grief. We cannot pass on what we don’t know.)
Keep busy — We all love a good distraction right? Especially when it looks like productivity or serving someone else. Take on a project, volunteer, rush back to work, etc. And those things aren’t bad in and of themselves but if we are doing it to avoid our feelings, we will just delay the inevitable.
Time limits grief — There is no timeline with grief. Some expect themselves or others to be “over it” in a set amount of time. But grief doesn’t follow a schedule. The impact of loss isn’t measured in days or months; it’s measured in how fully it’s been acknowledged and expressed.
Only death causes grief — There are over 40 types of loss that cause grief including divorce, miscarriage, health struggles, job changes, moving, loss of trust, strained relationships, and so forth. Even happy events like graduation or marriage can bring grief because change means things will be different and you’re saying good bye to something. All loss deserves validation, even if it isn’t tied to death.
Crying makes you weak — I read a study that says those who cry are actually more emotionally intelligent so I like to remember that. But in reality, no one likes to cry or look vulnerable in front of others. But the truth is that tears are natural, healthy and the way your body releases the emotion from your body. It is a natural way to restore your nervous system in that moment. Don’t fight it, see it as a natural reset button and healthy response.
You just need to move on — Remember, there is no finish line for grief. Grief isn’t something you “get over” but with the right tools, you can take small, powerful steps toward emotional completeness, without forgetting the person or experience you’ve lost. You can come to a place where you carry on (not get over) with more peace, joy, gratefulness and hope.
Through the Grief Recovery Method I learned to challenge these myths and misinformation. It has brought more freedom and healing in my own life and the life of my clients. If you’ve been stuck or weighed down by these beliefs, know there is hope. You don’t have to grieve alone, and you don’t have to wait for time to do the work.
Enter your email below and receive the article “Myths about Grief”. This article expands the major concepts that prevent your from moving forward and is taken directly from the Grief Recovery Method.