Honest Toddler

Whew! I’m so glad it’s Friday! It was a good week but man I’m tired.

So my husband is always finding things on the web and in social media. This week he discovered the twitter feed from Honest Toddler. It has provided at least an hour of deep belly laughing around here. The kind of laughing that has my cheeks in pain and on the verge of wetting myself. TMI? Sorry, but it’s that funny. Or maybe it just hits so close to home that I can’t help but laugh.

I’m assuming that some incredibly witty stay at home mom is responsible for this genius twitter feed based on what’s written. She writes from the perspective of the toddler, like he’s the one typing. I’m also assuming that she has a son that is as……spirited as mine.

So, here are some of my favorite status updates from the feed below. I hope you find them as hilarious as I did. If you need some free entertainment this weekend just pull up a comfy seat and scroll through her twitter feed. You’ll be glad you did.  (For those of you who aren’t on twitter. It’s just a site where you can enter in a status update and follow other people to find out what they’re up to; sort of like a fb status update.) Each dash mark represents the status update. Enjoy!

-Mama says I have a lot of energy and ideas. Daddy says I need help. Grandma says I’m perfect as is.
-I feel like grandma is the only one who really sees me. You know? She understands life and people.
-Grandma knows all my favorite foods and has never once tried to poison me with secret cauliflower.

-Daddy has carseat in a choke hold. OMG it’s on.
-Carseat bit him and drew blood. So scared. Will carseat be my new daddy? 🙁
-Refuel daddy! There are goldfish crackers, all over the car floor. Help yourself!
-Daddy is stomping this carseat like it ate the last string cheese.
-Carseat ripped daddy’s shirt. Nobody rips daddy’s shirts.
-Daddy has carseat in a triangle choke.
-Carseat tapped out! Carseat tapped out! WE’RE GOING TO THE FAIR! YAAAAAAAY!!!

-He said a swear. Running to tell mama.
-Nevermind he has gum.

-Mama said we don’t listen to kid music in the car because SHE DOESN’T LIKE CHILDREN’S VOICES. Explains a lot.

-There’s a definite technique when it comes to sand throwing. Most 11-16 month olds are just embarrassing themselves.
-1. Identify target 2. Pick up handful of sand 3. Walk over like you’re delivering one of those weird edible arrangements
-4. Ask a casual question so that target faces you 5. Release sand hurricane but you can call it slurricane
-6. ACT NATURAL#6 is where most babies fail but toddlers excel. Do not cry. Do not run. Do not say “sorry” (omg are you serious). Blank facial expression.
-Your parent will be losing their mind due to public humiliation, not because you temporarily blinded someone. Do not engage.
-You need to achieve a demeanor that is a cross between Of Mice & Men’s Lennie & a psychopath. Unaware and unaffected. This is toddlerhood.
Parent will ask “Why did you do that?” many times as the crowd forms. DO NOT ANSWER. Avoid eye contact. This too shall pass.
-When the peak of commotion and parent’s emotional reaction starts to descend, begin to respond unless you want to go home.
-Nod your head. Mouth “sorry” but try to avoid saying it clearly as you don’t want to confuse the child you’ve just punished.

-3 marshmallows for a pee pee! SNAP! Mama should have told me earlier I would have LIVED on that potty. BEST DAAAY! Can’t stop roundhousing!!

-Was on the phone trying to order pizza for 25 minutes. Turns out I was talking into a scrunchie. 🙁

-Playdate Tip: Keep your dirty thief hands off of my toys.
-Playdate Tip: Nobody wants your mama’s lentil chips. Bring normal snacks or stay home.
-Playdate Tip: Leave the baby siblings in the car. This should go without saying.
-Playdate Tip: DO NOT TATTLE. Accept your punishment with dignity.

-Daddy bring home a new microwave. Ours ezploded. Fire.
-Daddy don’t come home if you’re not bringing dinner. She got a crazy look in her eye.
-Not even playing.
-Now daddy when you walk in, you’re going to smell smoke. There was a small fire earlier but it’s handled.
-Also, nail polish remover removes a lot more than its name indicates. That’s nobody’s fault.
-And if you don’t have a backup toothbrush you’re gonna want to pick one up as yours melted. Long (awesome) story.
-Basically daddy when you come home just remember that I’m just a child and that you love me.
-Also keep in mind that we’re best friends and mommy exaggerates/lies.
-Daddy I’m not kidding there is literally no dinner. We were going to have quiche but it died in the fire.
-Shoulda known he’d side with her. Like I care. 🙁
-Daddy’s pretending he’s furious. I’m pretending to be sorry. Mommy’s pretending this day never happened. LOL.

Now, I’m going to go read some more on the twitter feed and tuck myself into bed. Yes it’s only 7:49 pm. Don’t judge.