The Not So Fertile Road (#2)

(I haven’t forgotten about this series. I’m just unsure about what to share. So here’s my story, our story, in a shortened series of course. I pray that it gives some insight and God uses it somehow for someone. I also know that I don’t understand infertility to the same depths that some know it. I have two miracle children now. But I know the pain it causes to some extent.)
When Matt and I were engaged I told him I didn’t want to have kids. Everyone told me I would change my mind and I said “well, the topic isn’t even up for discussion until we’ve been married 5 years.” I figured that would at least keep the topic at bay.

When we started our marriage counseling that was one of the first things we discussed. I don’t think Bob & Carmen thought they would have to convince me that kids were God’s design and that they were indeed a blessing. But I had some barriers and lies that I believed about having children that had to be overcome. So I prayed that God would change my heart if He did indeed want us to have a family one day.

I think about 3 years after being married I actually began to want to have kids. WHAT?! That was pretty shocking to me really but God had changed my heart. So we began the process of “trying.” I always had a feeling it wouldn’t be an easy process for me and we quickly found out I was correct. This began a hard journey for us. I remember months of not wanting to get out of bed. I felt like pregnant women were everywhere and my heart ached. I was also beginning to deal with anger at God. HE had changed my heart and now He was holding out on me. I felt like He was punishing me for something. I also began to feel flawed. I obviously was made with imperfections not “wonderfully and fearfully made” as it says in the Psalms. Satan began to do a real work in my mind and heart as the months went by.

Then the medical journey began:

My first appointment to begin fertility treatment I actually found out that I was pregnant. I was shocked and rejoicing and yet overwhelmed with fear because I was already having signs of something being wrong. After a couple weeks the complications were much worse and we found out that I had an ectopic pregnancy and had to have surgery to remove it. This began about 2 of the darkest months for me. A life given and taken away. A God who seemed to have given the desires of our heart only to steal it away. And the fear that a family may never be a reality for us was taking over.